If someone told you today to just "BE" would you know how to do that? Close your eyes (after you read this next line) and forget about the mom you, the wife you, the career you, the social media you, who are YOU? Maybe it's been a while since you were asked or even asked yourself that. Well if you were left in an "empty room" after you took away all the different roles you play...you are not alone. Let me share with you a little bit about what the last month and a half has been like for me.
In the midst of my own series of unfortunate events, I was left questioning every single thing about my life and every aspect of it. How did I get to this point? Why is it that I spent so much time chasing after exactly what I have now and yet it feels so empty? What now? This was where my ripple effect started, because from here I questioned EVERY. SINGLE. ROLE. I. FULFILL.
A friend once said to me, "Jack of all trades, master of none" as we discussed how I felt about the absurd amount of responsibility I had at the time. My biggest mistake was to not have listened and truly focused on determining what exactly I wanted to master. Currently I am a wife, a mom, a housewife, a master trainer, a social media consultant, an influencer and oh, I guess now a blogger! And yes, most days, all that within 24hours! Now to look at that in black & white, not so bad right....now factor in the time it takes to divide myself between it all and all while trying to be my best at it, trying to keep it all together and look the part. Yup, that is where I cracked...but still did not break. As time went on pressure from certain roles began to increase in an unmeasurable way. Unrealistic demands pushed me to commit to unrealistic deadlines, succumb to a body image I had never pressured myself to be, a social life I never set fourth to have and "YES" became my new favorite word to use for everyone's wishes and demands, except my own. Now THAT was where I broke.
To make this post short-ish and for the sake of going to the point, here is the result of it all. My worst day became my worst week and my worst week became my worst month! The end result of all that ^ ? An unwanted, uninvited, debilitating, mind screwing new best friend....anxiety. (To type that is harder than you think). You see, while to many my life in black & white or via IG squares might seem like the kind of life you say "wow! she's got it all" and don't get me wrong, I say that to my self many times, but until you "hang out" with this body chilling, chest tightening, mind confusing, fear inducing condition, you simply will never understand. (By the grace of God, if this is not something you experience or have ever, I pray that He keeps you from it.)
This is something I have heard about, read about and have experienced in my family for years, and I can honestly say, I never thought it would happen to me. Unfortunately age, cheerfulness, health, color of your skin... or anything for that matter has nothing to do with it, not even your mental strength. You see, I used to think It would never happen to me because I can handle it all and pressure is my middle name, boy was I wrong and I just wish I hadn't been so naive. The more I was pressured, the more was expected of me, the more I committed to, the more I was setting myself up.
About two months ago I was in one of the most distraught situation I could've ever been. My family was going through a rough time and I was clinging on to my other roles for strength and so in the midst of that I received a phone call that left me to question everything that made me once feel secure, all the time I had put into the life I was building and for the first time I was left to question my capacity and my being. Sure, I have self-esteem issues and yes there are days that I wake up feeling meh, but this shook the core of my existence and it was all downhill from there. My schedule got crazy, my commitments more intense and by the time it was all over I had finally broken down. The emotional breakdown was immediate, while my outside looked happy, inside I was slowly fading away, the physical followed. I lost about 10lbs in 3.5 weeks, my hair was falling by the millisecond, sleep was no longer peaceful and most nights non-existent, my legs were constantly giving up on me, my body would ache for days and sometimes even showering was a hassle. The mental was the last and at that point I felt like life had left me behind. The thoughts grew darker, everything became impossible, I no longer felt worthy of what I had nor would I ever run after anything again. I was done.
So when I asked you, if you knew how to simply be, I am asking because I had to go to my lowest and darkest to find out and if there is anything I've learned is that you should always feel capable of being. Through counseling (yes and I'm not ashamed), through family and friends (you know who you are), through prayers and most importantly through the word of God, my faith and Him, I am rebuilding.
It took a while to get back to life, especially because after questioning so much of it, I decided to let go of some toxic choices and circumstances, but it felt good to return. Am I healed? NO! As a matter of fact, I woke up in the middle of last night due to a severe anxiety attack, but today I know how to deal with it, how to speak to it and most importantly I am learning with every one I have, how to control it. So here's what I have come to understand....
No one can tell you how you have to act, who you should be, what you can and can't do and no one has the right to turn you against yourself. I had reached a point where I wasn't competing to be better than anyone else, but through many I was told to at least "be like someone else", I was told I wasn't strong enough, that I didn't look the part and no matter how much I tried, I would only amount to so much and I should just accept it. Now the truth is that anyone can say that, but it only takes form if you allow it to. No one can do any harm to you, unless you allow them to, so the truth is it only matters how you feel about yourself and not what others think. So your job, my job, our job is to be strong enough for ourself! I don't know what that means or looks like for you, but I for sure know what it does to me and that is what I am after. My peace, my sanity and my safety to simple be.
***My goal is to see good come out of this bad situation, otherwise It was all for nothing. I wanna hear, connect, pray and be with YOU! From little bits here and there on my IG, so many have stepped forward saying they were also going through a lot and that is why I decided to write this post and start the BE movement. My goal is to share with you through insights from professionals, inspiration through the word of God and join forces with people like you to start the #BEsquad . Here's what you need to do, shoot me an email, share your story, or even if you don't just let me know you want to join. No cost, no commitments, just an open heart is what I ask of you. I'll respond and will connect with you personally from there. Through the next couple of posts and my IG I will be sharing more about this, so stay connected here and here. ***
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I leave you with this...you are NOT alone. Whatever you are going through, you don't have to go through it alone, after all there is strength in numbers. I love you and thank you for letting me share with you my story...or a least a glimpse of it.
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